I just finished taking a two-day advanced mediation training offered gratis to settlement officers for the federal district court in the Central District of California.  The cross-cultural mediation training portion of the seminar was conducted by the dynamite, brilliant and entertaining mediator and trainer, Nina Meierding. 

There's much to say about this training (and much to thank the District Court, Dawn Osborne-Adams and the Straus Institute for).  

For now, I want to visit some of the issues Nina raised about misunderstandings between men and women.  Because my note taking skills suffer when I'm as engaged by a speaker as I was by Nina, I searched for material on the web that echoed her talking points.  I found this article --Gender Issues: Communication Differences in Interpersonal Relationships by Cynthia Burggraf Torppa, Ph.D., by googling two terms Nina used to explain the ways in which men and women tend to apologize differently -- "rapport" talk and "report" talk.  

Here are a few interesting observations from Professor Burggraf on gender differences, the knowledge of which may well help us negotiate better agreements across gender lines.

Women are typically the experts in "rapport talk" which refers to the types of communication that build, maintain, and strengthen relationships. Rapport talk reflects skills of talking, nurturing, emotional expression, empathy, and support.

Men are typically the experts in task accomplishment and addressing questions about facts. They are experts in "report talk," which refers to the types of communication that analyzes issues and solves problems. Report talk reflects skills of being competitive, lacking sentimentality, analyzing, and focusing aggressively on task accomplishment.

These differences can create specific, and commonly experienced, misunderstandings. Here are three examples:

Misunderstanding #1

He: I'm really tired. I have so much work to do—I don't know how I'm going to get it done!
She Me, too. There just aren't enough hours in the day!
He: There you go again! You never think my contributions to this marriage are good enough!

In this conversation, she is trying to communicate something like "We're partners and share similar experiences." Her intended "between the lines" message is: "I understand what you're going through; you're not alone." The "between the lines" message he hears emphasizes competition for status: "What are you complaining about? You aren't any better than I am!" or "Your contributions to our marriage aren't any more significant than mine!"

Misunderstanding #2

She: I'm really tired. I have so much work to do—I don't know how I'm going to get it done!
He Why don't you take a day off and rest, if you're so tired?
She: (sarcastically) Thanks a lot! You think my contribution to this household is so trivial that I can do nothing and the difference won't even be noticed?

Here, he is trying to communicate something like "Oh, you need advice and analysis? I'll focus on the details and facts, and offer a solution." His intended "between the lines" message is: "I will help you solve your problem because I think I know something that might help." The "between the lines" message she hears him saying: "I don't want to understand your feelings; I'm different from you and I know what you should do." 

Misunderstanding #3

She: I'm really tired. I have so much work to do—I don't know how I'm going to get it done!
He That's ridiculous! Nothing bad is going to happen, so just trust that I'll get there safely! If something bad does happen, I'm sure you'll hear about it!

In this final example, she is trying to communicate something like, "We're connected and I care about you and your safety." Her intended "between the lines" message is: "You are loved and important to me." The "between the lines" message he hears her saying is: "You had better check in with me! I want to know where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing at all times."

The misunderstandings in these examples probably result from differences in the ways that women and men show affection. It is more common for women to show affection through talking, but it is more common for men to show affection by doing things—either doing things together or doing separate things within the same physical space. Sometimes not talking—not having to talk—is a sign of trust and intimacy for men.

What does all this mean to us?

Understanding differences is the key to working them out. When we misunderstand one another, we often think that the other's motives are not reasonable, are mean spirited, or worse! But by knowing that women and men sometimes see—and hear!—things through different filters, we can begin to share with one other the distortions we experience, and thereby find our way to clarity.

So, the next time you feel surprised, disappointed, or angry with someone's response to something you have said, ask yourself if he or she may have "misheard" you. Is the other responding to your problems with a solution, when you wanted to receive sympathy? Is the other responding to your message of affection with a message of status? If so, you will be able to help the other to understand the source of your miscommunication, and avoid the hurt feelings and conflicts that sometimes follow.