Judy Martin, Business Journalist & Founder WorkLifeNation.com

"Lisa Gates reached into the very core of my being in order to bring me back into the reality of my dreams. Her talk is real and her methods concise. I no longer doubt what I'm doing...instead I speak, write, and live, knowing exactly why I do what I do and I realize that the goals I have set for myself are entirely up to me and attainable." 

Cicily R. Janus, Writing Away Retreats

At 8 PM Women on the Move gets down to business with attorney Victoria Pynchon, author of the Settle It Now Negotiation Blog, who has been called a “master of conflict resolution and deposition skills.”

Victoria recently became a regular contributor to Forbes.com’s “On the Docket” column.

You can call in with questions! 

Call-in Number: (347) 857-2102

If negotiation is a conversation with agreement as its goal, we should not be wasting our time arguing with one another about whose point of view is the best. We should be talking to one another about how we can both achieve as many of the goals we both want to achieve as a result of our conversation.

You do not have to change anyone's mind to give them what they want to get. And you don't have to grudgingly accept half a loaf (a portion of the pie) if, unbeknownst to one another, you possess five items of value your bargaining partner wants or needs, and your bargaining partner possesses a dozen items of value you want or need. In a really effective negotiation, you may find that together you and your bargaining partner can whip up a dozen pies and end up with more than either of you had imagined.

Wouldn't you like to be learning how to do this instead of working on that sanctions motion for your adversary's bad faith refusal to answer interrogatories?

The next game-changing She Negotiates month-long coached course begins on September 16.  Stop trying to change people's minds and start changing the world!

And gentlemen, tell your women friends.  Husbands and significant others benefit from this course as well!  My own happily came back from the gym the other day saying "I did what you taught me; I got two extra months of gym membership free."

They wanted that other woman who speaks on the topic of women negotiating.  You know the one . . . what's her name.  Yes, that's her.  The annual meeting committee gave her a ring and she quoted them $10,000 for an hour keynote.  To be fair, an hour keynote takes all day.  First, you've got to travel, then stay over night, then, if you're really serious about being of service to women lawyers, you get up early and listen to the morning speaker, talk to your table mates, find out what their challenges are, and, then alter, ever so slightly, your noon keynote to deliver exactly what this particular unique group of women need to hear.  You stay after, of course, to answer questions and sell copies of your book, which is, after all, your time, the time you'd be spending anyway spreading the good news that women can negotiate away the glass ceiling and the pay gap and their kids' private school tuitions.  Because that's just how you roll.  So it's never just an hour.

Still.

$10,000. 

"Did you negotiate with her?" I asked.

"The search committee didn't even try," said my friend.  "They figured her price was retail."

I don't mind being second choice.  That other woman, well, shoot, she pretty much started the whole women-negotiating-revolution.  I get it.  So I gave my quote and added, "but I'm not a suit on a hanger at Bloomies.  You don't have to buy me retail.  Remember some of what I taught you about money and value."

"Uhhhhh, make an aggressive first offer?"

"Well, yes.  But that's not what I'm talking about here.  I'm talking about the money is meaningless lesson.  You remember.  You can't eat or drink it.  It won't actually do the surgery nor build an addition to your house.  Remember how it just evaporated overnight right before George Bush left office?  Remember how your house was worth $500,000 on Monday and two fifty on Tuesday?

'Money has a value only because we give it value.  It's only worth what we say it's worth.

"Uhhhh . . . . "

"O.K.  I know.  I talk too much and too vaguely."

Here's the deal.  My price is X + expenses.  That's negotiable.  I don't tell you it's negotiable because as soon as I do you'll start negotiating!  And since it was me who taught you to negotiate, I'm not wild about bargaining with you.  The desire to teach is way to strong in me.

"I'm negotiable.  So is that other woman, the one whose book title is Ask for It!  And money isn't the only measure of value.  It would also be of value to me for your women's bar association to sell my book.  Of course I'll bring it with me to autograph and the like.  But you could also include it on your invitations.  If someone in your Bar Association blogs, they could give it a review.  If you haven't already pledged that you wouldn't give away anyone's email address, you could give me your mailing list so I can stay in touch with your members.  Each of your members also has her own network.  We could brainstorm about ways that you could give me the benefit of my pre-speech networking acumen to get more women to your convention.  It's hard to sell seats these days.  How many people are you expecting?  What if we double that?  Could you pay me my full fee then?

"None of us is a suit on a rack.  And what we can do for one another is so much greater than opening our wallets and shelling out a few dollars that money sometimes seems just laughable.  So let me say this again.  I know you've heard it before but I want to highlight it here again.

"I am a store of value and you are too.  My network, my social capital is a store of the store of value of each member in it.  And in that, you and I are both rich.

"Got it?"

My friend, my student, is smiling, even though I can't see that over the telephone.

"I got it."

"Now what was that offer again?"

 The next game changing She Negotiates workshop is still open for a few last-minute members.  We start on Monday.  Don't be a suit on a rack.  Join us!

(cross posted at She Negotiates)

I've written about happy and unhappy lawyers before - here and here but I've rarely framed the issue as succinctly or as well as Chere Estrin at the Organization of Legal Professionals.  In the sidebar to her article The Secrets to a Stress Free Career, Estrin says work does not give you stress. Feeling bad about work gives you stress. 

What does Estrin know? 

Quite a lot. 

"I used to be the most stressed-put person I knew," says Estrin.

I averaged 90 hour weeks in the legal field as an executive in a $5 billion corporation, traveled three weeks out of four, answered to some big shots who thought they owned the planet, and managed hundreds of people.  It wasn’t much different when I was a paralegal manager.  There were critical deadlines to meet, difficult attorneys to juggle, anxious clients to handle and something called a “minimum billable hours” requirement, now referred to as “suggested” hours in a more politically correct and less actionable environment.  I recently looked at a picture of myself during that era.  I was holding my new-born niece, Cristina, a joy to behold and I looked like I just escaped from a train wreck and stopped by to say howdy.

Sound familiar?  After debunking some stress myths (you should go right over there now to read them) Estrin suggests the following:  

• You can’t change things if you don’t acknowledge them.  Ok, so I’m quoting a TV psychologist.  But he hit it right on.  When it was first brought to my attention that I was stressed out, I was in total denial.  Because I was fearful of being accused of failing and I wanted to do a great job, I denied I was stressed-out.  To me, it was a sign that I couldn’t deal with the job.  What I really needed to change was my responses.  Acknowledge what is.  Without that acknowledgement, you cannot take action.

• Learn to really laugh.  How long has it been since you laughed out loud, long and hard?  I mean a good belly-laugh.  If you’re stressed-out, it’s probably been awhile.  Laughter releases endorphins, natural pain-killers.  It boosts immune function by raising levels of infection-fighting T-cells, disease-fighting proteins called Gamma-interferon and disease-destroying antibodies called B-cells.  In short, it’s great medicine.

• Make a friend at work. When you have someone you can confide in, someone with whom you feel secure, trust, can share the ups-and-downs of the workplace, you feel better.  The environment somehow doesn’t seem all that bad.

• Make a decision.  The only way to transform your life is to make a decision to change and honour that decision.Decide how you want to live your life and then set about with complete certainty to create it.  The most critical time in my career came when I decided that I wanted to create the environment that was right for me. I no longer wanted a fancy office in a Class A building in the middle of a prestigious district.  I wanted to own my own business, work from home and call my own shots.  I haven’t looked back.  I’m happier than a clam.     

• Love ‘em or leave ‘em.  Recently, a good friend mistakenly thought I was encouraging paralegals to abandon their jobs without demonstrating any loyalty to employers.  What I do emphasize to anyone who will listen is: you have to love what you’re doing.  You absolutely have to get up in the morning and be excited about the workday.  There is no better career booster than a job that you love, thrive in and remains fun and stimulating.  That’s what actually changed me around.  I created a situation where I am passionate about what I do; feel appreciated, challenged and excited just about every day. (There is no 100% avoidance in the war against stress.) With that attitude, it doesn’t matter if I work 30 or 90 hours a week.  I am thrilled by what I do and the time I spend doing it.

I personally followed nearly all of this advice, but it took me a long long time to do so.  I still work a gazillion hours a week, but I'm doing what I love.  And if your legal education and training qualifies you to do anything, it should qualify you to do what makes you happy.

Really.

I asked one of my consulting clients for a testimonial yesterday.

"Anything," she said, "it's genuinely changed the way I do everything.  It's not just the shift in my business relationship with [BigBiz, Inc.].  I dumped a boyfriend last week because of our conversations!  So, seriously, what would you like me to say?"

My client and I, like the few women commercial litigation clients I had during my twenty-five years as a lawyer (2%?) were quickly becoming friends.  And I was proud of her.  Truly proud.  Like a parent would be.

"I'm proud of you," I finally said, even though I'd been thinking it for weeks.  "You've shifted the power in your working relationship and that was difficult to do.  You were persistent.  You're a first class learner.  And you've been brave."

She laughed, the way we women do when we're praised, wanting the moment to pass instead of savoring it a little, particularly when we know deep down we've genuinely achieved something important in our own lives and careers but don't want to appear self-satisfied.

So I said it again.  "I'm really proud of you.  You've done great work and you never gave up.  You didn't fold to the power of BigBiz, Inc.  You stood up for yourself."

This is a powerful woman and she was powerful long before I met her.

Still.  It takes courage.  Don't for a moment believe that it's just you.  Yesterday at my Forbes "On the Docket" blog, I wrote about women lawyers who were angry about being bullied out of their "origination" credit.  "Origination" is the credit you get for bringing clients to the firm and sometimes for keeping them there simply by being damn good lawyers.  They feel initimidated and they're some of the most powerful women in the country.

"It takes courage," I said again to my client.  "Most women think it's them.  They believe they're the only ones who feel inadequate to the task of popping their head into the managing partner's doorway to say, 'I want to talk to you about sharing the origination credit for the work we've done for Major Petroleum Company, Inc.'"  We're all afraid of asking.  Hillary Clinton's afraid of asking.  Sure, Clinton can run for President, but I'd wager a cool thousand that it's not easy for her to ask for a raise."

"And practice," my client offered.

"Oh lord yes, practice," I responded.  "And here's the thing.  We tut-tut and shake our heads over the failure of citizens to confront their governments about genocide.  What were the German people thinking happened to all their Jewish neighbors?  They knew they'd been sent to camps and they knew they were being executed and starved to death.  Why didn't they do something?"

They were frightened.  We're not talking about blowing the whistle on corporate wrong-doing for which we might lose our jobs, disable ourselves from paying the mortgage and encounter long-term unemployment.   Any German who said, "hey, wait a minute - you can't put Jews in camps" was liable to be imprisoned and executed.  Any ordinary citizen who did what Miep Gies did in a effort to save Anne Frank's family put her own life and that of her family at risk."

"That's why we call them heroes and award them metals for bravery and uncommon valor.  If I do not practice standing up for myself and for those who don't have a voice here and now, I won't learn the lessons or develop the strength of character to stand up when the Nazis march into town."

"But my question," my client reminded me laughing.  "What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to say that my consulting transformed your entire life in addition to getting you the business deal you wanted." 

"In your own words, of course."

The next life-altering She Negotiates month-long online coached negotiation class begins on July 19.  That's next week.  When, if ever, will you be more ready to stand up, speak up, and begin to earn what you know you're worth?

The blog, which is today offering prizes, is here.

Testimonials

It's the quality instruction, real world experience, and bevy of resources brought to you by Victoria Pynchon that makes this course a stand out. On the internet a lot of people purport to deliver courses that will 'transform your life' or 'bring you to a new level in your business,' but often prove to be nothing more than advertising vehicles to enhance their lives and not yours. Victoria, with the support of that fabulous woman behind the Craving Balance curtain, Lisa Gates, has created a real winner with this course. And yes, it is transformative--it changes your beliefs about what you're capable of doing and having, because you're given the know-how and tools to make it happen."

Doreen Lima, Wildly Successful Personal & Professional Development

 "I am embarrassed to admit that I had only a glimmer of the science behind the negotiation process. And I had not given much thought to how often we bargain every single day in every part of our lives. Victoria has opened my eyes and helped me to fill a huge gap in my business and life tools. The change in my attitude toward money was a surprising bonus! I no longer dread talking about the fees I charge for my services. I may never eagerly embrace negotiation, but I no longer fear it and better yet, I appreciate and enjoy the process now. Thanks to She Negotiates, I am making great bargains and walking away when I say it’s the right time."

CaZ of Writing Bytes and 2 Chicks at Home

"Thank you so much Vickie and Lisa for raising my level of awareness of the power of negotiation, for helping me re-examine my self worth, and for encouraging me to stand up for my bottom line and not be swayed by someone else's bottom line."

Lori Lacey, Corporate Learning Specialist and Coach

"I learned more during this hands-on negotiating course than in another higher-priced class I took. Victoria and Lisa helped me make the emotional changes necessary to demand a higher value for my work, and taught a step by step process for getting the most from sales negotiations." 

Linda Gryczan, Mediator

 "Victoria and Lisa are an amazing team. Their individual areas of expertise create the perfect blend and balance for understanding the subtle nuances of the art and science of negotiation, and they do so in a way that is fearless and authentic. Thank you for this incredible opportunity. You've empowered me and I am grateful."

Debra Healy, Beaverton, Oregon

Lisa Gates of Craving Balance and I are doing it again!  An entire month of negotiation classes that will change your life. 

When Lisa and I planned our first month-long course (you can see the testimonials here) I told her that the women participating in it would make back the cost of the class in the first negotiation they conducted after the course ended.

I was wrong.

They made it back before the course was over  it back.  One participant said after the first weekly group teleconference,

I could drop out now and feel that I'd gotten more than what I paid for.

The response to our second course (now starting its third week) is even more powerful.  So powerful that an attorney I ran into at the recent WLALAPalooza event said,

I took your 90-minute free teleseminar and tripled my hourly rate in response.  I just did it today!  I'm so excited and so proud of myself!

So we've decided not to let the grass grow under our feet or yours.  We're offering the course again - with a  money-back guarantee - beginning on July 19.

And here, for the comparison shoppers among you, is the cost of more traditional, less personally tailored courses, courses that do not provide the support women need to go out and do it!  

Tuition for Straus Institute 42-hour mediation (negotiation facilitation) course:  $2,195.00 per person

Two-day Karrass course $998 per person

Local mediator Jeff Krivis' Improvisational Negotiation Course at the Straus Institute $1,295 per person for two and one-half days of instruction ($518/day per person)

Local mediator Lee Jay Berman's one-day Negotiation Course: $345 per person.

Why Negotiating Women at Craving Balance?

The course Lisa and I have developed is an interactive, one-on-one and group negotiation experience in which we help women quickly move past their storied fear of bargaining by:

• recognizing the opportunities to negotiate better compensation for their services or products, whether they be solo entrepreneurs or professionals; managers or professionals in a corporate or legal setting; or, employees in any type of organization;
• recognizing the opportunities to negotiate better relationships with workmates, colleagues, competitors or opponents, as well as with family members;
• seizing these opportunities in a style best suited for the individual student;
• practicing negotiation (and dispute resolution) skills with coaching and follow-up; and,
• encouraging them to show up for themselves and their families by naming their true market value and claiming it in a manner that does not damage but improves relationships.

You will make up the cost of this course -- and more -- before you can say, "who me?  negotiate?"

And let me say this about the power of Lisa's coaching -- a side benefit of putting this course together with her - I become a smarter, wiser, more productive, funnier, better focused, more effective and happier person with her guidance than without it.  

And how many people can you say that about?

Sign up here today!

But let's take a look at what's at stake here - your economic future.

Why this is Mission Critical

The wage and income gap is stuck at 33% despite the gains made by women in business and the professions over the past thirty years. That's simply unacceptable to me. And because I know the reason why, I've committed myself to spreading the word and teaching the skills necessary to close that gap NOW.

You Know Why the Wage Gap Persists?

I believe I do.  I'm no social scientist, but I am an expert negotiator with a master of laws degree in conflict resolution and five years of full-time experience facilitating the negotiated resolution of commercial litigation.

I've been teaching women to negotiate for the past two years and here's what I learned - both on the ground and through extensive research.

The month-long online course (beginning on July 19) will be taught by me and by author, actor, success whisperer and work-life balance coach, Lisa Gates.  Listen, there are a bazillion "life coaches" out there.  The term itself is something I've often simply snorted derisively at given my propensity to dismiss without investigation.  I didn't hire Lisa to coach me and she didn't hire me to teach her negotiation skills but when the two of us got together, the synergy was like . . . . cold fusion.  Together we are both many multiples more powerful than we are apart.  I'm so confident in Lisa (and frankly so confident in myself) that I guarantee you that a year from now this month-long course will cost at least two grand.

Why?

Because we're not giving women fish.  We're teaching women to fish.  And the value of that teaching; that coaching; that support; that wisdom; that insight; and, that ability to take anyone from zero to sixty in 30 seconds, is literally off the charts.

Here's my real purpose - money being just a means of storing value; keeping score; and, paying the rent.  

I want to send my women readers out into the world as skilled and effective negotiators because I know that each one of you will teach at least one other woman what you've learned and she'll teach another and that damn wage and income gap will just . . . . vanish.

That's how powerful YOU ALREADY ARE!

The moment you begin to see how many opportunities there are to negotiate for a better life for you and your family and your community; your state and your nation and your world, we'll give you the tools you need to do so. After that, it's just practice, practice, practice.

And then you will ROCK THE WORLD!

This is not just a class - this is a a movement.

Begin the journey to real economic power for yourself and your family today.

AND GENTLEMEN:  PLEASE SEND THIS LINK TO YOUR WOMEN FRIENDS - NEGOTIATION SKILLS VASTLY IMPROVE RELATIONSHIPS AND YOU WANT THAT TOO, RIGHT?

Here they are again:

After she’d been in business for 15 years, a colleague told [Alvarado] she had two problems.

[Y]ou have a Hispanic company name, so you may be stereotyped [and] when you walk into a conference room to negotiate, you look like a woman.

When her son was five and asked if he wanted to grow up and be a “contractor like your mother and build sports facilities and schools,” he said “with disdain,

“No, that’s women’s work.”

Ba ba bump! (rim shot). Or as the old feminists used to say, "click."

My partner in negotiation-for-women crime is life-balance coach, Lisa Gates. 

I focus on the commercial because that's what I've spent my entire adult life doing - representing Fortune 500 companies battling other Fortune 500 companies (rationalizing that in transferring huge sums of money from one commercial enterprise to another, skimming litigation fees off the top was "morally neutral").

Lisa's either way more productive than I am or currently has fewer plates spinning on sticks in the air above her head.  I go with  #1, however, because she's a working mother and I have only the needs of a husband to which I must attend, not the earth-shattering task of raising a boy into a man.

Our upcoming course - She Negotiates! - might be looking more about the "life balance" part than the "work" part.  Because Lisa's working harder than I am selling her "part" of it.

But here's the thing.  As Lisa admonished me when we presented live to the Professional Women's Network at U.C. Santa Barbara a couple of weeks ago, I have a . . . tendency . . . to upstage people.  "Stay physically parallel," advised Lisa the actor.  And I finally, finally "got it."  (Lisa's like that - she helps you "get" stuff that's been eluding you for decades).

I immediately remembered how co-counsel for the joint defense squad (female) and I used to literally physically stand at "the bar" edging our facing shoulders up past one another like duelling banjos. (really! - later we became friends, as women adversaries tend to eventually do).  And listen, in my generation, every other woman lawyer was initially an adversary.  Hence the image of the Queen Bee above. 

Point taken.  Thanks Lisa.

Here's the other thing in this wildly stream-of-consciousness post.  For a woman, there is no purely business transaction.  We're all balancing the "women's work" (nurturing, sacrificing, loving, laundering - clothes not money - soothing, educating) with the "men's work" (achieving raw economic power).

The most successful business women and professionals on the planet are themselves unable to ask for something for their own benefit!  I know.  I spent my entire career among them and in service to the few of them who'd reached the pinnacles of corporate and entrepreneurial success. 

Lisa and I create the She Negotiates! course material but we follow our students.  If you didn't go there, we wouldn't go there.  But all of our women students - executives, entrepreneurs, professionals, chefs, movie makers - at some point in the course need the support of a women's community to move past the internal barriers that prevent them from shredding the glass ceiling like it was tissue paper.

GOT IT? 

Yes we see. That's why they call us . . . . the leaders of the pack (vrooom, vrooom, vrooom)